Wisdom Is Listening

Wisdom Is Listening


My wife just blurted out, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” I thought, “That’s a really weird way to start a conversation.” If we are honest, we could all be better at listening. Wisdom is the ability to listen before you speak. Many of us are rapid-fire speakers; we love to talk. Listening, however, is much harder. Here’s the thing: if we don’t listen, we are fools. I know that’s hard to hear, but that is what Proverbs tells us.
There is so much we can say about listening, but let me just highlight three points. Then, we’ll look at how we can become better listeners.
1. Listening prevents foolishness
Proverbs 15:22 gives us this warning: “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.”
Someone once said, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” That’s true. But what is even more apt is that if you plan without counsel, you will fail. Success comes from listening to wise people who have gone before you.
I remember when I was sixteen, at the zenith of my intelligence, I thought my parents were idiots. I didn’t think they knew anything. I didn’t listen to them much then. Of course, I grew up, got married, and had kids of my own. When my girls were young, I thought my parents might not have been crazy after all. If they were, it’s because I must have driven them crazy. As my girls grew up and entered elementary school, I began to think my parents knew something after all. By the time they entered high school, I thought my parents were pure geniuses and I was the idiot.
You can learn from other people’s mistakes and save yourself a lot of foolish pain, or you can learn from your own mistakes and be a wise person. We don’t value age in our culture anymore. I think it is a detriment to our culture. We value the young and the new. But there is something about being around people who have been around for a while. There is great wisdom to be found in sitting with a person who has a few years on you, or maybe a few dozen years on you. Proverbs 23:22 says, “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.” We are tempted to search for beauty in youthfulness, but real beauty is found in the wisdom of age.
Let me be clear: the right kind of listening prevents foolishness. Confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one's prior beliefs or values. Oftentimes, we only listen to people who will confirm our biases. But what if your biases are wrong? The temptation is to surround yourself with fools who will tell you that you are right, even though you are wrong. Algorithms that drive our internet search engines are designed to do this. The internet will reinforce your wrong beliefs. Initially, the internet was designed to share information. But as soon as it was monetized, the internet became driven by clicks.
When faced with a tough decision, you do not want to seek counsel from those who will simply tell you what you want to hear. You need to be able to ask, “Who are the godliest people I know, and what do they think about this?” Do not adopt a “me and Jesus” approach to decision-making. That is foolish because it’s usually more “me” than Jesus. Proverbs 12:15 says, "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice."
Who in your life do you really listen to? I mean, who in your life can speak into your life, say hard things, and you will listen to them? Go ahead and write that person's name down. If I asked that person if you listened to them, what would they say
2. Listening leads to wisdom
Proverbs 15:31 tells us, “The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise.” Proverbs 18:15 states, “An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.”
In a world of chaos and uncertainty, we need intelligent hearts. We need to listen to acquire true wisdom. Wisdom is gained by studying the Word of God, but it also comes from listening to wise people who know the Word of God. Wisdom is better than silver and gold. We often think that if we just had more money, our lives would be better. But the truth is, we need riches greater than gold or silver. We need wisdom. Proverbs 25:12 says, “Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.”
The greatest gift you can ever be given is to have someone who will reprove you, correct you, and not let you get away with foolishness. That friend is a greater gift than gold. Value that friend. You will get annoyed with that friend, and you may even not like that friend, but that friend is of great value. I’m not talking about someone who is always offering you unsolicited criticism. It’s a friend that you go to for advice, and they will listen to your heart. They will hear your heart. They won’t just dump a bunch of advice on you. They won’t give you clichés. They will do the hard work of listening to you and getting to the heart of the matter, and then they will ask you heart-penetrating questions that you will have to wrestle with to answer.
This friend will lead you to wrestle with coming to the right answers on your own. They are patient friends who are more interested in you becoming wise than just dumping their wisdom on you. This can be hard because I have found that I just want someone to tell me what to do. But a wise listener will ask you heart-penetrating questions that will lead you to see the foolishness of your own heart. They will lead you to confess your sinful motivations and help you run from Lady Folly and embrace Lady Wisdom. That kind of friend, advisor, or mentor is better than gold.
Who is that person in your life? You will get lost in this chaotic and uncertain world we live in without a friend like this. If you don’t have a wise friend like this, I would encourage you to join one of our small groups. You will find friends who will point you to Jesus, the one who is the embodiment of wisdom.
3. Love begins with listening.
One of the greatest gifts we can give to another person is to listen—I mean really listen. Proverbs 15:23 declares, “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!”
In Life Together Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes,
The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to his Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God’s love for us that he not only gives us his Word but also lends us his ear. So it is his work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him. Christians, especially ministers, so often think they must always contribute something when they are in the company of others, that this is the one service they have to render. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking.
One who cannot listen long and patiently will presently be talking beside the point and be never really speaking to others, albeit he be not conscious of it. . . There is a kind of listening with half an ear that presumes already to know what the other person has to say. It is an impatient, inattentive listening, that despises the brother and is only waiting for a chance to speak and so get rid of the other person.
True listening takes place when we are able to hear one’s deeper story and reframe it in the context of God’s story. The skill of redemptive listening is born out of a deep love for God that results in knowing His story and a deep love for our brother and sister. It truly is God’s “work that we do for our brother and sister when we learn to listen to him and her.” (Parentheses mine)
PRACTICAL LISTENING SKILLS
So, let me get really practical and talk about listening skills. I encourage you to pick one of these aspect of listening and then add it to your arsenal of skills. Intentionally practice these skills this week.
1. What you hear
a. Verbal: The content of what is said. As you listen, focus on people’s names, events, dates, and other specific information being shared. Sometimes, we are so interested in what we are about to say that we fail to hear the simple facts in a discussion. Proverbs 18:2 states, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” Don’t be quick to give your opinion. Listen first. Listen longer than you think you should. When someone pauses, don’t be quick to fill the void. It’s alright to pause for a moment. It might feel awkward to you, but it gives the person you are listening to time to process their own thoughts.
b. Non-verbal: How the content is expressed. Here, you are listening for congruity; that is, do the nonverbal messages match the verbal messages? Listen for this in three areas:
Facial expressions: When someone says, “I’m okay,” does their facial expression communicate something different?
Tone of voice: Listen for tones of sarcasm, anger, sadness, enthusiasm, hesitancy, fear, etc.
Body movement and posture: Are arms and legs crossed and closed? Are people fidgety or relaxed? Does their posture indicate interest or boredom? Remember, you can “hear” a lot just by watching people’s actions.
2. What you say
When someone shares their heart with you be careful how you respond. They are very vulnerable and what you say can either do great harm or bring deep healing. Proverbs 18:14 tells us, “A man’s spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?” People can endure deep emotional wounds, but a crushed spirit no one can bear. Be slow to speak. Quick words can crush a person’s spirit. We saw this last week. Words can do great harm or bring great healing. I encourage you to review the five categories of wielding our words wisely.
Empathize with people’s emotions. Before you say anything validate people emotions. Overlooking how a person feels can crush their spirits.
Explore their statements, seeking more information. Explore not only what they said but why they said it. “Why did that stir such emotion?”
Clarify what has been said by asking revealing questions. Proverbs 18:13, tells us, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Don’t check out, or start thinking about your own story, or think of how you can “fix” their story. Just listen! I learned this early in my marriage that my wife doesn’t need to me to “fix” her. It’s belittling to her. She didn’t need me to fix her. She needs me to be a sounding board for her. To ask her good questions and let her come to her on answers.
Listening begins by asking good questions. Questions will get to the story beneath the story. That is where the gospel can do its deepest work in one’s heart. Ask questions like:
“What do you want most out of the situation?”
“What is most important to you in that moment?”
“Where are your emotions uncontrollable?”
“What do you find yourself longing for, angry over, or fearful of?”
There is your idol.
A wise listener lets a person wrestle with the answer to these questions. Don’t jump the gun. Discovery is always better than disclosure. Admittedly, disclosure is the fast way but it’s the least effective way. A wise listener will ask questions that lead the person to discover the answers to their own questions. When someone discovers the answers to their own problems, they are more likely to follow through on them.
Note: Redemptive listening doesn’t just happen in one conversation but in dozens of conversations.
Proverbs 18 ends with verse 33 by saying, “The fear of the LORD is instruction in wisdom, and humility comes before honor.” Pride is the biggest barrier to listening to wisdom. It is also the greater barrier to becoming a good listener. Humble people make the best listeners. They are not know-it-alls. They are humble people who have listened well to others and have gained wisdom. They have a big view of who God is. They don’t feel obligated to rescue or save you. Here is why: because they know that they can’t even save themselves, but Jesus has. So they have this humility that trusts they don’t have to be your savior. They know you have a perfect savior, and they are not it. Their job simply requires them to point you to the perfect savior, Jesus Christ. It is in Him and Him alone that you will find perfect wisdom.
Why wouldn’t you trust Jesus? He gave himself for you. Listen to him. Listen to his teachings. Submit yourself humbly to him, and you will find wisdom that comes not just from gaining information but from having a relationship with the one who is wisdom.

Chan Kilgore
Lead Pastor
New River Fellowship